This weekend marked my due date with Noah. It really is just an indication that by this time he would have been born. And that by now, I would have had a wriggling, screaming, pooping little baby to cherish in my arms. But sadly, that was not meant to be.
Noah has left a gaping hole in our little family. One shared by his big brother Oliver... the two little boys who couldn't stay with us.
It's been nearly 7 years since Oliver passed away, fighting for his breath after 4 short hours of life. It's been 5 months since Noah was born... an event that we needed to experience as he had died in utero at 16 weeks gestation, without any warning, and without any known reason.
These are my babies that I cannot hold, and today, like everyday, I remember them.
A grieving mother carries her children with her all the time. She never forgets. When the holidays come around, and she's wrapping presents or decorating the house, she remembers them. When she goes to other children's birthday parties, or prepares cakes and balloons for her other children, she remembers the one's who are not here anymore. Grocery shopping, driving to school, sitting at the dinner table, doing the laundry... the lost babies are an ever and constant presence in her heart and mind. It doesn't matter if they passed quietly during the pregnancy, if they were born sleeping, or fought for their little lives in the NICU, these precious little babies are much loved, much cherished and always remembered. It doesn't matter if it was last week, 7 years ago, or 37 years ago, the pain of loss is there. This isn't just for me. It's for grieving mothers everywhere. Our babies aren't here, and we feel their loss always.
I'm writing this so that you won't forget either.
Noah is my son. He was as real as you are. Even though he didn't get to draw a sweet, life giving breath, every part of him was real, and my son. He lived inside of me. He was loved, nurtured, is loved and missed every single day.
Today I say his name, and I say his big brother's name, because I want you to remember them. I don't ever want them to be forgotten.
Oliver Elias ~ March 29th 2006
Noah Yan ~ October 28th 2012
But not ever forgotten.